Greetings, all! It’s snowing in Kansas!
Yesterday, it was close to 70, now it’s back to wintry mix. Tomorrow mid-60s. Never a dull moment here in the central plains.
Speaking of planes... ;-) Airplane rides are like the weather - unpredictable. And today’s slice of life story is definitely that. Based on true events!
Trigger warning - if you’re offended by politically incorrect views and a few cuss words, this flash fiction of just under 1000 words is not for you. Just saying. (grin)
But if you enjoy it, tell me why! And have a great weekend no matter what unpredictable thing flies your way.
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An Uneventful Flight by Lyndon Perry
Two hours out of O’Hare on the way to Heathrow and the two across the aisle from me will just not shut up. How can anyone hold a conversation for a full two hours? And in Spanish! So not only is their blather annoying, I can’t understand a damn thing they’re saying. Don’t they know the protocol for flying? Keep your voice down, don’t draw attention to yourself. Don’t be a nuisance. And they talk about the loud mouthed American! These two foreigners are something else.
Then there’s the crying baby two rows up. Mom to Grandma then back to Mom. Neither knows what to do with the brat. Probably a year and a few months – so that qualifies for a brat. Anything under a year, I figure the baby doesn’t know what she’s doing. But by 16 months? The sin-nature has blossomed and been received with open arms. Accepted as part of the personality. Whoever said twelve was the age of accountability didn’t raise toddlers.
If she keeps at it I’m going to suggest Benadryl.
Might work for the Spanish speakers, too.
For the most part though, I try to ignore everybody. Better that way. And really, the flight’s been quite uneventful. The way it’s supposed to be, right? You don’t want an event at 32,000 feet. I’ve been on plenty of flights and I thank the travel gods that all of them have been uneventful. Well, except for one flight awhile back. That one involved an annoying passenger as well.
I’ll be honest, it’s those dumbass passengers that drive me up a wall. I guess I’m getting anti-social in my old age. Get off my lawn. You laugh, but when enough people trample the Bermuda you sort of get tired of it. I’ve been tired of crowds for a few years now. And I’m really not that old. Fifty. That’s still young, right? Maybe it’s that self-doubt and extended mid-life crisis angst that has me so impatient with others. I dunno. But I do know – or have come to the realization – that I’m more of an introvert than I’d figured.
All my life I’d been outgoing, naturally connecting with others, talking to strangers in line, that sort of thing. I just assumed I was an extrovert. But I finally clued into the fact that people tire me out. Crowds, family reunions, group events, malls, airplane flights! - not that enjoyable. So I’m an outgoing introvert, able to employ the people skills necessary to navigate this world with some success. Just don’t push it. When I get tired, I get cranky. That’s when I start pushing back.
“Excuse me, sir. Can you stop crushing that plastic bottle?”
I know he can understand me. He and his seat mate break from their conversation en Español long enough to flirt with the flight attendant en Inglés when she passes by. He just stares at me and crinkles the plastic bottle one more time. He then turns back to his friend and starts another annoying conversation.
I put my earbuds in and open my Kindle. Patience, buddy, patience, I tell myself. I do not want another incident. One eventful flight is enough. Let me tell you about it.
The plane I was on heading into Atlanta was a bit behind schedule and I was worried about catching the second leg of my trip home to Chicago. I only had a thirty minute layover and a tram ride to the next terminal wing would eat half of that. Plus, the time wasted disembarking. The deplaning process was bad enough but I was sitting in the third to last row and could envision losing precious minutes as ancient retirees, grannies, moms with twins, and the guy who’d snuck on three carry ons slowly peeled out of their seats and into the narrow aisle like plaque clogging an artery.
I travel light and only had my backpack at my feet. So when the captain chimed the all-clear signal, I took my chances and bounded up the aisle. I got about half way before the peeling began so I stood in line patiently, glad I was in front of the big boy with the extra man purse. I glanced back to gauge my success and caught a glare from my competition. His two satchels looked ridiculous, criss-crossed as they were across his expansive chest.
“You’re supposed to wait your turn,” he said, as if I had taken unfair advantage in our race for the cabin exit. “You’re causing a bit of a hold up.”
No, the lady with twins in front of us is causing the hold up.
I just smiled and turned back to face the front. The geezers were just now asking someone to help with their baggage. Dear god.
“Hey, I’m talking to you,” Mr. Man Purse said. “You need to head back to your seat.”
That wasn’t going to happen. One, I was already blocked in and two, I didn’t take orders from dipwads.
“Thanks, Captain, I’ll keep that in mind next time.”
I shouldn’t have said that much. He mumbled ‘asshole’ and I came back with ‘dickhead’ and the junior high word wars began. Unfortunately, it didn’t stop there.
They tell me it came to blows. I don’t remember, but waking up with my hands cuffed in an airport security office is not something I’ll soon forget.
That’s why I have earbuds now. I don’t listen to music. I just have them in to keep losers from bothering me. And to keep me from busting open someone’s head if they say anything that rattles my cage. If you’re a praying person, the next time you fly, pray for an uneventful flight. Which translated means, pray someone like me is not sitting next to you.
An Uneventful Flight © 2017 by Lyndon Perry
If you enjoy these free weekly stories, check out some of my collections of stories, especially Tule Fog Tales, a kind of e-magazine featuring some of my longer projects. Issue One contains six speculative stories; Issue Two is dark fantasy. Issues Three and Four are on my computer almost ready for release. I just have to get motivated!
Image by Juno Kwon via Pixabay licensing.